Filter

I turned on the water
and let it drain
while cleaning the kitchen
it helped filter the pain
of the helplessness I felt
when I reached out again
and heard nothing but the echo
of a silent Eastern wind

Strings

We sat in the cool, itchy grass
which seemed greener last spring
He was tying a string to his kite
Frustrated, he shielded his eyes
from the rising sunlight and asked,
"Why can't I ever do anything right?"
I took him into my arms
and swayed him
to the rythm of a distant car alarm
"You do everything right"
I soothed,
it just takes awhile to figure out
how to do it all.
You don't win or lose."
"But I'm so small!" he complained
 "Yes, aren't we all? 
In this great big world
we often try, we fail, we fall."

But we learn.

He smiled and turned to me,
"Mommy!  It's tied!"
As he ran off to toss
it into the air, I sighed.

Some strings are just worth the time.

Goodnight

It isn't against the law
to say a few more words
seeking reassurance, confirmation
after you say goodnight
But what a crime committed
if you stay silent
while your lover's throat
from choking on tears
remains tight
And you still knowing this:
let her fall out of your sight

“Fairytale”

Locked in your tower while you sit and write
It paces back and forth outside the room
Like some predator waiting for the fight
Silently underneath a covered moon
The mood between us steadily grows dim
I sense the moment as soon as its born
Fading fast to sleep you are giving in
Your will bleeds -- freshly cut from someone's thorns
And I, your prince will not rescue you tonight
Sleep beckons dreams to rid me of my pain
The disappointment of your tower light
Out before I can speak my words again

Rapunzel! Cut off your short, choking leash!
So you can have my love and live in peace

Spiritless

Spiritless
in a lukewarm room
Where light and dark
will never resume
The compromise
to finally exhume
Our tolerance
of some will to consume
Each sadness
futility's fatal fume
will leave us
too much to assume
Spiritless
in a lukewarm room

Invisible Rain

Have you ever felt
so sad and alone
that your head wont hang
any lower than the floor
and your tears can't cry anymore
because they have no sound?

It's like tasting an invisible rain

Losing Three Seconds

I wish I could explain
how deeply
your every word affects me
And I wish you could have felt
how insecure I became when
you said
I'm getting close
instead of
I'm turning in

Shaving

I took it too far
My scarred, subtle reminder
It began to bleed

Re-Promise

Are we finally past it?
No one knows.
I'm not sure
if this will last
longer than a few days
But I'm certain right now
you really love me
because through everything
you do and say...

it shows

Morning Shower

This rain's touch on me is legalized sin
Trespassing my dreams indefinitely
I feel his lips kissing my soft, wet skin
Moving to devour my sanctity
His voice behind me, whispering my name
Commanding, demanding me to obey
Kneeling down slowly to oblige his game
I ache to please you -- I'll do what you say
He enters my body with such power
And rapes me clean of my innermost fears
When I finally turn off the shower
You are stepping inside to join me here

The rainfall rebirths me with such passion
Ecstasy bears a new definition

Our Park

You held me close, my head on your shoulder
We closed our eyes and felt cool breezes pass
The world around us grew slightly older;
We regained youth from our children's sweet laughs
I felt your heart beat slow, steady and calm
The sky above us seemed willing to stay
My hand reached for yours to grasp palm to palm
And I heard you sigh while our children played
I reached out to trace the shape of your air
Which breathed that sigh so relaxed and content
You softly caressed the back of my hair
Whispering quietly, "Our time well spent."

Dreams are for those who intend to sleep through
This is my reality: me and you

Relief

The room was spinning
Forgiveness knows no regret
Your soft I love you

Escape

It's been four days
since you chose to leave
quietly escaping into silence
But I know now
you do not love me
if you did
You wouldn't hurt me
with such non-verbal violence

Vein

I looked in the mirror and my eyes were scarlet red
                        My tears had dried around midnight or so
                        The headaches I loathe imprisoned my aching head
                        But I feigned a smile so noone would know
                        My tiring of it -- this pain has grown too strong
                        Like a cancer that won't allow me to live
                        Spreading disease like overly murdered hope
                        Among these takers who refuse to give
                        My blood screams blue underneath my flesh
                        From forcing down pills to mask the pain
                        Chemical poisons replace my breath
                        Willing my wellness has been in vein
                        As they inject another needle into my arm
                        I only slightly long for you to return

Package

An empty box here
to remind me I've lost hope
Return to Sender

Revision

Gingerly, tenderly, he unwrapped her
                        His eyes could barely comprehend the
                        scattered bruises
                        random stitching and
                        visible scars upon her heart
                        He softly, carefully swaddled her again
                        in fresh cloths of security
                        His searching lips found her waiting kiss
                        to help heal her deep wounds
                        Cradling her safely
                        to stop her shaking
                        looking into her trusting eyes
                        in disbelief he inquired
                        "My God!!
                         Who in the world did this to you, my love?"
                        She held back her tears and whispered,

                        "You did."

How

I whispered to him
Do you feel that?
He breathed through one perfect sigh
I do.

How can I not love you.

Locked

Love won't let me in
Is it possible to trust?
Everything feels lost

Pushed

Do you know how hard it is
to be the one to speak
I feel like you enjoy this
see me as foolish and weak
I didn't tell you immediately
now you've lied to me as well
you told me you would try harder
not to put me through such hell
With your silence and your jaw clenched
You own my every thought
 "I don't want to lose you"
the very last time we fought
This poetry is crappy
unread and misunderstood
I'm saying you've chosen to hurt me
when I've asked for forgiveness
just like I said you would
I meant it when I said
through falling tears --play god much?
It seems insane and incredible
that you didn't feel it in my touch
The promises I made to you
I've kept and still plan to keep
While you write, or whatever else you're doing
I'm broken, incomplete
I tried tonight --you know I tried my best
I took that very first scary leap
You just pushed me down the mountain

we climbed together ---

and went to sleep.

Nothing

Alone, tonight
as I stare out my window
My soul turns colder
than the ice suffocating the trees
Dropping to my knees to pray
-just one please-
I wait for the light to appear
My eyes grow wider and dilate
as I anticipate
Blurred by my tears
I lean against the wall
heartbroken --you are gone
and there is nothing there at all
Not one word
Where have you been?
How can you stay so silent?
And then futility:
My heartbeat echoes
this familiar end
I-did-it-before
I-could-do-it-again

Songbird

I asked forgiveness
The morning birds were chirping
You cast a cold stone

Fallible

How many times
did I mop up the floor
of your blood dripping pain 
from the night before
I dried your eyes
so noone would know
You never cried over me though
Everytime you
walked away or shut down
I patiently waited
for you to come around
And your sincere pleas
adjusted my heart
I kissed you deeply
so we could start over...
Please tell me your secret
of unstained perfection
If I can master what you are
I may finally earn your affection
But for now you sit like a god
in the chair your hands built
In judgment of me and all of my guilt
Staring down at me in silence
counting all of my sins
narrowing your eyes as if to say
"Too bad, you fucked up again."

Island

Treading your deepness
Salty waters overflowed
Encountered your shore

Unrestrained

Sobbing silently
broken and lost
she surrendered unwillingly
to the tightness in her throat
and decided she couldn't cope anymore
without the tender touch
of his strong hand
upon her heated breast
that protected her weakened heart
and revealed her hastened breath
to release their hurt
and heal their hope
so they could start again

With tears unrestrained...
she longed to kiss the rain

DDSS

I shouldn't have wondered
but the vibes were too strong
Why ask the dangerous question
when the answer will be wrong?
I really shouldn't have gone searching
to see it from a different view
But the worst part was pretending
not to know what I feared
until I opened up to you
And now that I have,
I'm assuming we are through

Sleepless

I will never sleep peacefully
because I am completely aware
that your life is fucked up
and in total disrepair
because of me...
You feel worn and torn repeatedly
perhaps even despair
because I truly love you
and honestly do care
about everything and everyone
that happens over there

Artist

Incorporate the blue
Tears don't compromise your strength
Mix yellow with pain

Aurora Borealis

The aurora borealis of dreams
Transforms these quiet night skies of snow stars
Emerging from this hypnotizing scene --
A smile from a memory of ours
The exploding brigade of rainbow haze
Sounds like your softest whisper in my ear
A farewell from spring into summer days
Silently dissolves my innermost fears
Then slowly, the grey hues return again
When I look down for one moment to grieve;
Your face disappears into the north wind
And remains where she quietly deceives

I want those colors to stay in the sky
to distract the solemn tear from my eye

Puzzle

 

I still wonder about your different view
What makes your eyes look so hauntingly still
Those moments I see you are rare and few
Strained smiles continue to bring me chills
Your mind is brilliant! You always create
Patterns in your world seem to abound
Science and research don't really explain
Why your ears are so sensitive to sounds
A soul that's trapped behind dark confusion
I'll try to rescue you from the silence
Use your thoughts like a surprise intrusion
Upon lingering, non-verbal violence
Autism is officially to blame
For the different view you cannot explain

Hollow

You fell exhausted onto your cold sheets,
Deep dreaming began without my goodnight.
This patterned quitting resembles a leash
That shortens each time she pulls it so tight!
We didn't survive the days that I dread
Your overtaxed mind remained unaware.
Tugging the strings became cutting instead
Of fighting sleep when I needed you there.
Talking to air was useless and draining
You found that one place and quickly shut down
My tear-filled eyes resembled the raining
that splashed my window with its hollow sound.

Those folded clothes and phone next to your heart --
Gone.  It kills me we are so far apart.

One More Year

Charming laughter
of a slightly more mature
brand new eight year old,
Curious whispers regarding
Edward Tulane's unfortunate life
Gleaming tip half-covered in white cream
from day old birthday cake
And the warm soapy water
rushing over the knife
Gurgles of a beginning talker
desperatey attempting to distract my ears
but all can feel
the only thing my breaking heart can hear
is the shrug of your shoulders
and your numbing words
too loud and clear

Because it's just one more year

Hibernate

You lovingly told me
I could say
I want to hibernate
but you said
you would not let me
steal away lonely
into a hidden bed
of sadness and insecurity
Defeated and alone tonight
Raising my trembling hand
to gently wipe the tears I cry

I'd like to see you try

Intensity

I miss our home
and the loving warmth
that radiated from within those walls
Those smiles out loud
instigating the unplanned
I love you
in the middle of your thoughts
during a busy day
You were lost in our kiss
and a blissful reverie;
Love always found you
eagerly searching for me
Who has now replaced our first hello
and fingerprinted me as the other?
The good morning
gives way to goodnight
and unless a fight lingers
I am a routine
like taking the trash to the curb
Your freedom to feel peace
has been sefishly revoked
and you are restrained
c-h-o-k-e-d
by a short leash
It's completely absurd!
And what of those words
pure poetry inspired by the muse
staying behind closed doors
locking us away indefinitely
from the love we once knew
Time with me is better unspent
when you have so much to do
Stop everything!
I wish you could feel it
I want to you to see and know
Tell me how to show
how very much ----

I miss you

New Year ‘06

There is a place in my stomach
strong enough to take a punch
continuously from you and for you
it's the only way I feel your touch
My heart is protected and reinforced
by steel and concrete cake
Supposedly to help me survive
any time you start to break
Through my wall of strong resistance
to your consistent apathy
it is no hallucination
your stoic passivity
But you ripped the safe place in my stomach
the bars were bent long ago
and the rubble I'm left to sort through
leaves me with nothing --not one memory to show
For all of the love that I gave you
you refused it, rejected it and then
you continued your search for someone else
found in a long lost friend
Someone who dissolved your life
once upon a falling star
and never cared to learn you
or love you for who you are
Yet, you still cry those tears for her
and flippantly brush me aside
while I celebrate this bright new year as
the beginning of the end inside

Private: What She Would Say

If I wrote you a letter
and called you a bastard
would you travel for many miles
to thank me
If I scolded you nightly
for simply being yourself
would you reach out
to hold me tightly
And if I paled in comparison
to the love that was real
the kind that my heart
refused you to feel
a once in a lifetime
chance to finally heal...
would you roll over --
turn your back on it all?

I think that's why
that Stupid Girl you once knew
finally built her wall

Delete

The honest and only reason
that I constantly throw things away
is to eventually reach the goal
of owning the very nothingness
that consumes my soul